CityWOOF

Wow, forgiveness is a really difficult thing, yeah? I was brought up to believe that one must forgive, according to the bible and just basic human decency. And I’m the type of person who wants to be able to forgive; who, in fact, up until this very evening was sure that I’d have no problem doing just that for a good friend. That “friend” came to me tonight, humbly asking to be forgiven and I just couldn’t do it. I was surprised by my inability to do so.

If you have previously read the post below called ‘Kindness” you may have noticed an uncharacteristically vitriolic section where I wrote about the one person who did not show the kindness they had previously said they would after my surgery. Don’t look now, the section is gone – more about that later. I wrote some pretty nasty (but justified) things. He called 3 times today, and I ignored all three phone calls, so he came over.

I’m pretty sure that it was the blog post that he was most upset about, not the fact that he abandoned me and broke his promise and pretty much forced me to get rid of my beloved dog Jesse during my recovery from foot surgery. Why am I so sure about that? It’s the first thing he brought up. He then offered excuses about why he hasn’t been here for an entire month (He’s been depressed, he’s been busy) and sincerely expressed his desire to remain friends and asked for forgiveness. I told him I just didn’t know. And that’s the truth. I’m the last person who wants to end a good friendship, but I really think you do find out who your friends really are when you’re in this kind of situation. As I write this, I can’t see my ever forgiving him…or can I?

When somebody repents for bad behavior and asks to be forgiven, doesn’t one have to oblige? Especially if the request is clearly sincere?

Maybe I’m just a bad egg. I have never forgiven my father for 18 years of non-stop physical and mental abuse, but he has never sincerely asked for it. I have never forgiven former friend Gary Lea for the ultimate betrayal of friendship.

Yet, I have been forgiven in the past. And hasn’t it been said that we don’t forgive someone because they deserve it, but because they need it?

I don’t know. It’s all still really fresh.

I heard it said recently that forgiving can be read this way: “Thank you for giving me that lesson.” And with that blessing, one can move on. But what is the lesson? Don’t trust and believe in your friends? Of course not. Maybe whatever the lesson is will be clear to me in the future…I hope so.

Whether or not I forgive him, I can’t see the friendship ever being what it was before. But maybe that’s not a bad thing. “Without a hurt the heart is hollow”, and all that.

I’m reserving judgment for now….time will tell. I’m still pretty pissed.

AND…this is TWICE now that I’ve been asked to change and/or edit a blog post because someone didn’t like what I wrote. I’ve done it both times, and I don’t feel very great about it. Haven’t these people ever heard about journalistic freedom? And what does it say about me that I caved both times and changed the posts?

Well, I guess if I’m honest with myself I know that I changed the posts both times because the requestors are people whom I know to be good deep down inside (maybe deeper than I realized previously) and I didn’t wish to continue to hurt them.

Maybe I’m not such a bad egg after all….

Some real kindness has been shown to me, recently. You definitely find out who cares about you when you’re in the situation I am currently in.

JERRY came by and did some grocery shopping, laundry and cleaning for me. He made my bed, took the dog for a walk and sat and had conversation. I hadn’t seen him in over a year, but he’s a real friend…Love that man. He also helped me bathe, cut my hair and shave.

PAT came by and brought me french fries and a shake and visited.

KELLY and BENJAMIN have been by frequently with home cooked meals, DVD’s, magazines and have taken me to doctor appointments. They have also cleaned and watched TV with me and checked in with daily phone calls.

GERALD has come by, even though it’s very difficult for him. He’s been a delight.

DARLENE has been by to walk the dog frequently and has brought me food and cleaned and done laundry.

STEVE and DALE have been by, cleaned house and walked the dog for me. Sweet men.

BILL has been by to keep me company and spend the night.

AUNT JOYCE has called to check and me and has come by to walk Jesse and get the mail for me. I want to have her over to just visit and converse.

I just wanted to acknowledge these kind folks on my blog. I really love and appreciate them very much.

I still have another month before I can try walking. I ordered a bunch of food from Safeway.com to be delivered on Monday…almost $200 worth. Should last me a long time.

Really tired of TV. Gonna have to crack a couple of these novels that are waiting to be read.

Today is an all-bed day. I decided not to do my usual crawl/hop/crutch into the living room and watch that tv, instead, I’d just stay in bed all day and watch this tv. I find my bedroom more conducive to reading, as well. And blogging and chatting on-line. When I knew I wouldn’t be walking for 6-7 weeks, I set things up for myself so I’d be able to lots of things right from my bed….but today is the first day I’ve really taken advantage of my cool setup.

It’s also the first day I watched Shortbus, John Cameron Mitchell’s

lovely film about relationships and sex and intimacy. I’ve had the DVD here by my bed, but was waiting for the right time to watch it. I’m not sure what made today the right day, but it was and I did and I loved it.

You may have heard that the actors in the film have real sex, and it’s true. JCM says he wanted to use sex in Shortbus like he used music in Hedwig and the Angry Inch…and he succeeds fantastically. This is not porn…it’s just….lovely….I have to watch this film again before I can really pontificate about it (bet ya can’t wait for that!). Right now I’m just still feeling the movie. Beautiful job, John Cameron Mitchell. I knew you were the real thing. Oh, and happy birthday, by the way.

In the “making of” documentary on the DVD, JCM says “I think everything is about love…or the absence of love”. I think that’s pretty profound, and I think it is true.

Completely alone today, I should be feeling the absence of lovc, but I don’t. I know it’s there in my life…phone calls, emails, IMs….not that many visitors, but some.

I always talk about moving away. But today I am thinking about moving towards. Towards family, towards new friends and towards possibility.

Hey you…monitoring my blog to see if I say anything bad about you….you who can’t sleep. I sleep great. Why don’t you? I know.

It’s now 2 weeks since I had foot surgery.  Every seems to be fine down there to the left, my doctor says the foot is healing well.  I haven’t had much in the way of pain through this whole thing (thanks, Oxycontin).  I still won’t be able to walk on it for another month or more.   I’m hopping, crawling and crutching my way around the apartment.

I’m really disappointed to discover that the 2 people who said they would be coming over on a regular basis to help with dog walking have completely abandoned their promises.  Makes one wonder about one’s ability to judge character.  It’s interesting what you find out about the people in your life who you think you know.  Surprise!

It’s really Jesse, my 11-year-old Border Collie who suffers, but we are getting by okay.  Some other lovely folks have been by and the tried and true friends have come through….also some new ones.  Jesse is being really good, too…I just let him out the front door for his evening bathroom walk and he does it by himself and then comes right back.  Except for the other night, when he got confused and was trying to get back into the wrong apartment.  It’s really not ideal, because I can’t pick up his droppings or prevent him from chasing a car into the line of on oncoming vehicle.  I’ll just have to keep praying that that doesn’t happen.

I’ve decided to quit smoking in the morning.  I have the time to lay here and just go through withdrawals (or else use the Commit lozenges I have here), and I think this is a good opportunity to do it.  I won’t be out, tempted, seeing other people smoke.  And it’s not like I can get up and go to the store and buy cigarettes….though I could have them brought to me if I should lose my resolve.  But that latter isn’t going to happen.  I think it’ll work out well

I’m sure there’s some online support group I can join.

So, that’s me this morning. Upset with former friends and about to smoke my last three cigs.  Worried about my little furry kid.

I did watch Dateline’s TO CATCH A PREDATOR tonight, though, and so I feel pretty good about my life and my future!