CityWOOF

Well, I feel bad about the post that was here…I wrote it in an emotional state and the result was that I upset some people whom I genuinely like. So I’m deleting it.

Someday I’ll meet someone who wants to date just me. Or not. Probably the latter, in this town. But that’s my problem. You guys go on and be happy.

And just for the record: Announcing in your Bear411 profile that you are dating so-and-so and including pictures of the two of you together is the gay equivalent to putting out a wedding announcement in the newspaper. Yes, it is. You may say you’re just casually dating, and that may be true, but you’ve still issued a gay wedding announcement.

And if you’re hanging out with somebody who’s lonely and been alone and you’re holding their hand at the movies and sucking face with them and having sex with them…they might think you’re dating them. And they might be hurt and a little heartbroken when they discover the previously mentioned gay version of a wedding announcement. The things you do and say have an effect on other people.

Jeez, who knew anyone ever actually read this blog? I have to be more careful…the things you write on your blog affect real people, apparently. I do like both of you guys. Best wishes.

Backing out of my parking spot this afternoon, I almost hit a passing neighbor’s car. He honked, I stopped, accident averted. Then we ended up in sitting next to each other at a light, and he looked over at me and showed me his thumb and finger and mouthed “That close!” I mouthed back, “sorry!”. It was awkward. Then, he arrived at his destination…the same place I was going. He parked, and I parked next to him. Awkward! We were the only ones in the mini-market.

Yesterday in a “Bears” video chat room I was dissed for having a belly. There are always these guys in there who consider themselves bears, but have either no fur or no belly. And they only talk to each other. It’s so funny to me, the way the whole Bear thing is shaking down. What is a Bear anymore, really? What’s a “chub”? If I’m a big fat guy and I grow a goatee…can I now be a Bear? If I’m a skinny guy and I grow a beard, can I be a Bear? I guess the Hot Guys are still just gonna hit on the other Hot Guys no matter what designation they lay claim to. Same as it ever was…same as it ever was…

Supposed to go to a BBQ today, but it’s raining and I’m not all that thrilled with the guest list. It’s supposed to clear up, but I probably still won’t go. Although I hear there will be a golden retriever puppy present…that could be a big draw. Jesse would love it too.

I don’t know any soldiers, dead or alive. I do think about them, though. Hugs to them and their families today.

CityWOOF on a Saturday Afternoon

This was my first experiment with a video post…it’s really silly, but maybe kind of fun. Or maybe not! My ex called me from Vancouver, BC after stumbling across this on the internet…he was apparently upset by it…he wants me to be with someone, and found this a sad representation of my life.

It’s not, it’s just me being silly.

By the way, I don’t have that tattered red couch anymore.

Aida was great.  Amazing production…the sets were huge and grand, as was the cast.  All the principals were magnificent.  It was almost hard for me to believe the singing was live…one is so used to only hearing operatic voices on recordings.

I enjoyed it very much, and will attend more operas.  Especially if I get to sit where I sat tonight:  The first row of Box 8, dead center in front of the stage.  Incredible seats.

Well, I’m sorry I haven’t been posting, I guess it’s because I have nothing to bitch about!  Everything is going so nicely these days…it’s kind of scary.

I really like my new job, and the weather is on a real upturn here in Portland, I’m helping out med students by doing patient modeling (tomorrow is the last of those gigs), I’m going to see my first opera…AND the guy I may have mentioned recently meeting sent me a couple of emails out of the blue - he wants to get together for a drink.

All this positivity is kind of freaking me out!  I”m sure it’ll all come crashing down soon and life will be bleak and dark again.  Or NOT!  I know, Shawn…”Keep on the sunny side!”

Yeah, I’d like to lose forty pounds and quit smoking and clean my house and finish my play…But those things will all get done eventually.  They’re not really dragging me down!  And I’m not on any antidepressants, either.

Portland is so nice this time of year.

Oh, I wanted to mention Joe Gage’s new movie CHAINSAW….it’s freakin’ brilliant.  The most gorgeous cast of men, the best written and directed porn film…really in a league of its own.  Super hot and fun.  5 stars.  I am such a big fan of Joe.

Yesterday was a really nice day.  The weather was perfect here in Portland.  I had a job interview in the afternoon, and decided I really needed something new and fresh to wear (I really wanted the job), so I went to Kohl’s to break in my new charge card.  I bought 4 groovy-cool shirts, 3 pair of slacks and a new pair of dress shoes.  Got home with everything and then realized…it’s a job interview… I need to wear a suit and tie!  So I put away my new clothes, and donned a charcoal grey pin-striped suit with a maroon shirt and festive red tie.

The interview went great, I really like the atmosphere there. It’s another performing arts organization here in town…I won’t mention the name, but it’s an organization that puts on the performances that Urspo likes - big shows with big voices where there is a fat lady with horns - and has a very good reputation.  They are doing a performance about a female Egyptian slave soon, and not the Elton John version.  The offices are right on the river, with big, airy rooms…and instead of chairs at their desks, everyone was sitting on big, bouncy exercise balls…bouncing and smiling.

Anyway, I got the job which makes me very happy!  It’ll be interesting to be working with Opera people, I think.  This organization also brings in all the big Broadway musical tours.  I start Monday.

Then I went home and changed clothes, and went to my first Poz support group meeting in decades.  This one was specifically geared for Bears and Leather guys, so I thought it would be interesting…and it was!  It’s going on for the whole month of May.  I enjoyed it last night…and I met this Really Hot Guy.

I have no idea if this Really Hot Guy is interested in bears or not.  But damn is he handsome and sexy.  We’ll see.  We had to agree not to date anyone from the group until after the sessions conclude.  When I got home and got private, I did more than “date” him - in my mind…if you know what I mean.

So…groovy new clothes, new job and Really Hot Guy.  It was a nice day.  I listened to music and sang, all the way home.

I don’t dwell on these, or beat myself up over them, but I do have some regrets about my life:

I regret

• That I can be pretty lazy at home (not at work). I often attribute it to a lack of energy, due to having the hiv virus in me for 18 years, but I may have actually been fairly lazy even before that. I just don’t like to do anything that I don’t want to do!
• The first cigarette I ever put to my lips…and all the ones after that.
• That I ever let someone talk me into doing a certain drug. I shoulda been smarter. Luckily I didn’t become addicted. I quit doing any drugs a long time ago.  I’m too old to recover now!
• That I didn’t have the inner wherewithal to fight back against all the childhood abuse I suffered at the hands and mouth of my father. But I was just a sensitive kid, after all.
• That I am not more disciplined when it comes to writing. Getting better at that, though. My play is coming along nicely, if slowly.
• That I wasn’t able to go to college. Neither of my parents went, and they thought it unnecessary. It was their belief that one should just graduate high school and get a job. Even one who tested as mentally gifted, as I did.
• That I never have really learned how to manage my money very well.
• That I wasn’t able to make it work with my last partner. I was pretty crazy about him. US/Canadian borders kept us apart, but if we’d known gay marriage was coming down the pike in Canada, I’d be a “Sadie”…you have to be a Streisand fan to get that statement.

Such is life. I go on, anyway. I guess we all have some regrets.

Life is still good, I’m happy to wake up everyday and see what happens. The weather is getting nice here in Portland and I have a bicycle I have yet to ride. Gonna be a really nice spring and summer here!